Smile – It Scares Them

Not far from where I live there is a sign on the side of the road. On the back of the sign someone has written: Smile – It scares them. When I first saw it, I smiled.

The words have a hint of truth about them, don’t they? Some people do seem to be scared of a smile on the face of others. Or, if not scared, perhaps a little intimidated, or nervous.

We live in a world where there is a growing rift between people and that shows up as fear, anxiety, or simply indifference. Occasionally this fear can escalate and erupt as violence and hatred. We saw that this week in Minnesota.¹

The fear that someone may exhibit though, should not dissuade us from continuing to smile. A smile, as Spike Milligan reminded us, can be infectious.²

Why would someone be scared of smiles? A number of possibilities present themselves, including:

• Our westernised culture emphasises success and achievement to a high degree. Seeing a smile can trigger feelings of failure by assuming that the smiling person is successful. The sense of shame inherent in the feeling of failure can be a scary thought.
• Many in our society associate happiness with risk. It can be a risky business to seek happiness. Thus, the smile of another can be scary.
• Happiness can be associated with good fortune and that, in turn, can trigger a judgement of injustice, especially if the good fortune is undeserved. In a world where the rift between rich and poor is growing rapidly, the association between happiness and good fortune can spark resentment and a desire to right the injustice.
• When someone is experiencing depression or other negative emotions witnessing a smile can be difficult. Many of us have heard the phrase, ‘Don’t worry, just get over it. Be happy.’ We also know just how unhelpful that can be. Indeed, such simplistic advice can worsen the feelings of those experiencing negative emotions.
• Within western culture the pursuit of individual happiness is considered to be one of the greatest goals in life. Yet, in many other cultures, other values (e.g. harmony, community, and loyalty) take precedence.

However, smiling may not necessarily indicate this individualised goal of happiness. Tibetans, for example, place higher emphasis on other values. Yet, one will be hard pressed to find a photograph of the Dalai Lama without a smile upon his face.

So, keep smiling, and try to not be scared.

Notes:

1. On 7 January 2026, Renee Good, an American citizen was shot and killed by a federal officer. The incident has been widely condemned as murder. Tellingly, immediately before she was shot, Renee said to the officer ‘I don’t hate you dude.’  The first words uttered by the officer following the shooting were, ‘F***ing bitch.’ This is an example of how smiling can scare someone escalating to violence and murder.

2. Spike Milligan, Smiling is Infectious. The opening lines of this poem are, ‘Smiling is infectious, you catch it like the flu’.

Degrowth of Hateful, Abusive, and Insulting Language

One of the few movements that is providing both a critique of the current unsustainable system, and a framework for a system remaining within planetary boundaries is the degrowth movement.

The first International Conference on Economic Degrowth for Ecological Sustainability and Social Equity took place in Paris in 2008. However, degrowth’s ancestry can be traced further back in time to at least the mid-20^th century with the rise of political parties with an environmental focus. Those parties often spoke of Zero Growth; today, of course, zero growth is not enough as the world has seriously overshot many planetary boundaries. We now must degrow, with the caveat that even this may be too late.

Much of the focus of the degrowth movement is upon economics, ecology, social equity, resource depletion, techno-optimism, and decolonization.

There is one aspect of modern life that gets little attention within the movement, although (to my mind at least) it is an area of vital importance. This is the sphere of the ways in which we relate to one another and our communication styles.

If there is one truism about the predicament we are in it is that we are all in it together, albeit a few are making themselves offensively comfortable, some are surviving acceptably well, and lots are suffering enormously. Given that we are all in this, then it is obvious that we must be able to talk, listen, and act in cooperative and mutually supportive manners.

Sadly, the signs are that this is not happening, or at least, is happening far too slowly. Some examples may be of use.

A 2023 UN survey of 14,000 American children (aged 10 – 18 years old) found that 80% of them reported encountering hate speech in the previous month. In Australia and New Zealand around 15% of adults were estimated to have been the target of online hate speech in 2019.

Following Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter in 2022 and rebranding the social media platform as X hate speech rose by almost 50%.

The number of times that particular words get used within the English language is revealing. In 1900 the word hate occurred as a verb approximately seven times in every one million words used. By 1980 its use had decreased slightly to around five times in every million. However, since then the use of the word hate has skyrocketed to being used almost twenty-five times in every one million words used. That is an increase of 500% in less than 50 years.

One of the distasteful words of the English language is the word f***wit, which came into the English language around 1970. It is a derogatory, offensive, slang word mostly directed at another person and indicates that the recipient of the verbal abuse is considered to be a fool, an idiot, and very stupid. Although not used anywhere near as often as the word hate its use has grown exponentially since 1980 and is now used thirty times more often than it was in the late 20^th century.

Even the racially derogatory term n***er has begun to be used more intensely than it had been. It had been oscillating in usage of between 0.7 and 1.2 times in every one million words from the 1860s through to the 1980s. Since 1980 its use began to climb and is now at a historical high of around 1.6 times in every one million words uttered. Higher, that is, than the sickening years of slavery in the USA.

What of words that speak more kindly or harmoniously? Well, some of them have seen rising usage over recent years, although usually at a much gentler gradient than those referred to above. The word love for instance has seen a threefold increase in usage since the 1980s – still, much less than the twenty-fivefold increase in that of hate.

Although there is more use of words such as compassion, empathy, and kindness in today’s world, the rise of hateful, abusive, and insulting language is outstripping these by several factors of magnitude.

Disrespectful, vicious, offensive, and rude ways of speaking to each other have been on an exponential growth curve over the past 40 – 50 years.

The growth in hateful, abusive, and insulting language spills over into our political, social, and infrastructural realms. Political polarization is on the rise, fueled by narcissistic leaders intent on using such polarization for their own power plays. Coexistent with polarization has come a decrease in trust.

Increased polarization and decreased trust only exacerbates the use of hateful, abusive, and insulting language as antagonistic groups of people attempt to shout down those they view as their enemies. In turn, hateful, abusive, and insulting language helps to create and intensify polarization. The covid pandemic did nothing to ease these tensions, indeed, it only intensified the hatred and distrust between people, no matter what position was taken by proponents of different ways of viewing the cause and alleviation of the pandemic.

At an international level such polarization and hate becomes violent and war is the inevitable result. The present war between Russia and Ukraine is the first on European soil since the end of World War 2 in 1945.

Somehow this growth in hateful, abusive, and insulting language, polarization, and decreased trust must be curbed. It all needs to degrow.

I admit that I do not know how that can be done. My work in community development exposed me to mediation practices and ways of working that were cooperative and nonviolent. I know it can be done at a community level.

Can it be done at a national and international level?

More exploration is required, and I would advocate that the Degrowth Movement consider how to degrow this alarming trend.

Grumpy Old Man Syndrome: 8 Strategies for dealing with him.

Statler and Waldorf
of "The Muppets" fame

I am now part way into the eighth decade of my life (no, that doesn’t mean I am in my 80s – do the calculations!) And being that old I discover that occasionally I can slip into one of the hazards of becoming older - Grumpy Old Man Syndrome.

Obtaining an older age as a male does not, of course, automatically qualify one as a Grumpy Old Man. However, the sobriquet of “grumpy” does, in my observation, fit many old men. I am not immune to it either.

Whether it be something as simple as a loud party going on in the street whilst trying to get to sleep, or (as is often the case for me) an annoyance that humanity continues to destroy this glorious planet, or simply a diminished supply of testosterone, being an older man can stimulate grumpiness.

So, how do we older men deal with Grumpy Old Man Syndrome? I outline 8 strategies that I have discovered that helps to deal with feeling grumpy. If they assist you also, then please try them out.

For anyone of a young age reading this, I might add a further strategy. You might call it a pre-strategy, or Strategy Zero. The strategy that gets put in place before these 8. The pre-strategy is this:

Strategy # 0. Don’t wait until you get to be an older man before learning and implementing these strategies. Some of them take years to learn and make part of your life.

Onto the 8 Strategies for dealing with Grumpy Old Man Syndrome.

Strategy # 1. Name it. When grumpiness arises, don’t try to repel it, just recognise it and name it. “Oh hullo, Mr Grumpy” I say to myself, “there you are again.” Intriguingly, when I do, I feel a smile arrive on my lips and in my eyes. Grumpiness then seems to dissolve.

The great psychologist, Carl Jung, is reputed to have stated that, ‘What we resist, persists, and becomes larger.’ Although no such verbatim quote can be found, some of his writings can easily be condensed to this short phrase. Effectively, trying to repel grumpiness in our mind we only end up in a struggle that does not dispel the grumps, but usually ends up with us becoming more grumpy – because our struggle has been futile.

Name it, greet it, and watch it slowly dissolve.

Strategy # 2. Accept it. Associated with the first strategy, this strategy simply accepts grumpiness as one of the myriads of feelings and emotions that we humans encounter every day.

It has been estimated that there are more than 34,000 unique emotions and that most humans experience around 400 emotions in any one day. Grumpiness is simply one of these.

That’s life.

Strategy # 3. It won’t last. Emotions, like all other phenomena, are impermanent. They do not last. The mantra, ‘This too shall pass’ is a useful one to bring to mind when dealing with grumpiness, or indeed, any other emotion that we find unhelpful or harmful.

When we realise that grumpiness is but an ephemeral emotion, then we allow it the time and space to arise and then to slip away.

Strategy # 4. Grumpiness is not alone. Often grumpiness socialises with other feelings and emotions, such as disappointment, despair, angst, anxiety, guilt, shame, or unhappiness. Grumpiness co-emerged with, and because of, other emotions.

Recognising this interplay of emotions allows us to delve further into what may lie behind, or below, the emotion of grumpiness. In doing so, we may discover that we have an unmet need that one of those other emotions is alerting us to.

If we find an unmet need, then we can devise a plan to either a. meet that need or b. find an alternative if the need cannot be met.

Strategy # 5. Grumpiness may be an indication of grief. Of the 5 “stages” of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, despair, acceptance) grumpiness would seem to be an amalgam of despair and anger.

If the feeling of grumpiness is part of the grief process, then that tells us we have lost something, or someone, that we were very attached to. We are grieving the loss. Grumpiness, at this stage, is an expression of that feeling of loss. Knowing this, we can identify what the loss is. With that knowledge, we are able to work through the grief process.

Strategy # 6. Deep Time. Our life upon this planet is a blip in the deep time of the cosmos. When I consider my lifetime against the time that galaxies, stars, and planets (including this one) have been forming and evolving, then I recognise both my insignificance and, paradoxically, my uniqueness.

Noticing my insignificance, the grumpiness is so fleeting that it become irrelevant.

Noticing my uniqueness, my grumpiness becomes a waste of time.

Strategy # 7. Bring to mind the Serenity Prayer. The theologian Reinhold Niebuhr composed the Serenity Prayer in the 1930s. The wording has had different versions over the years, with the following today being the most widely quoted:

‘God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.’

If you are a non-theist, then you may wish to find a substitute for God. No matter who or what the prayer is addressed to, understanding the difference between what we can change and what we cannot has bearing upon our grumpy feelings.

More often than not, I discover that my grumpiness stems from something I have no control over. Discovering that allows me to step back and accept whatever that prompt is and allow my grumpiness to pass.

Strategy # 8. If all else fails, then repeat Strategy # 1.

Who Will Weave The Fabric Together Again?

When we look around the world with open eyes, ears, and hearts, we witness many instances of social injustice, environmental destruction, or acts of oppression. Witnessing these can give rise to anger on one hand or despair (and withdrawal) on the other.

If we experience the hand of anger, then, without a mindful approach, this can be expressed through sarcasm, rage, or (at the extreme end) hatred towards the person(s) we perceive as inflicting the injustice or destruction.

When this happens, it becomes easy to take the next step into the story of Evil, or at least, Bad.

Reciting the story of Evil and labelling some as Good, some as Bad, is a rabbit hole that gets deeper and deeper, with no way back to the surface. Yet, sadly, many social justice, or environmental activists, end up falling into this rabbit hole.

Confronting injustice or degradation with rage or hatred, however, is a dead-end. It gets us nowhere. Furthermore, it only serves to reinforce the very story from which the injustice or degradation arose initially – the story of Separation.

The story of Separation is a very old one. It tells us that we (humans) are separate from nature and separate from each other. According to this story we exist in an Us and Them world. Naturally, as the story goes, Us are made up of Goodies and it is Us that must bring the perpetrators of injustice – Them Baddies – to account. In doing so, the words of the story tell us we are justified in voicing our anger in vitriol, words of shame, and the pointing of fingers.

Yet, it is this very separation from which the injustices and environmental damages arise.

We cannot repair this separation by further separating ourselves. Sarcasm, boo-ing, vitriol, rage, and hatred will not weave the torn fabric back together again.

So, whose role is it to weave the fabric back together?

Surely, if those of us seeking a better society or world are unwilling to do so, we cannot expect those who do not recognise the fabric as torn to do so. As Dr Seuss so eloquently put it, ‘Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not!’

If we want a better world, then we have to recognise that we must do something different. The old story of Us and Them, Good and Evil, must be thrown away and replaced with a new story.

Anger Still Arises

Of course, anger will still arise within us. Anger is, after all, a human emotion just like those of joy, happiness, sadness, awe, sorrow, or delight. Just like these emotions, anger arises within us as a response to our perception of what is happening in and around us.

Attempting to suppress anger is pointless, and most likely ineffectual, possibly even detrimental to our mental health.

The Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, recommends us to ‘take good care of (anger).’ He further advises: ‘When you get angry … please don’t pretend you are not angry. Don’t pretend that you don’t suffer.’¹

This is key – our suffering. We suffer when we see children abused. We suffer when we watch a forest being bulldozed and the birds and animals of the forest made homeless. We suffer when we watch on the news of one country invading another.

If we take care of our anger, and we approach our suffering with mindfulness, then we are reminded of our common humanity and our connection with all life on this planet.

Recognising and working with our anger and suffering is a long, arduous journey. Yet it is one we must take if we are to weave the fabric back together again. We cannot expect to heal our suffering by inflicting suffering upon someone else.

When we undertake this journey we can invite others, even those perpetrating injustice and environmental destruction, to join us. There is no guarantee that they will accept the invitation, However, they just might.

If a different story than the one of Separation is to be told, and enacted, then if it is not those of us seeking a better world to tell it, then who will it be?

Notes

1. Thich Nhat Hanh, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames, Riverhead Books, New York, 2002.

Right Of Speech - Right Speech

The Right to Freedom of Expression and Speech seems to be an indisputable one doesn’t it? After all, it has been a right for centuries. France’s Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen adopted in 1789 during the French Revolution declared it an inalienable right. Two years later, the First Amendment to the United States Constitution protected freedom of speech.

In 1948, the United Nations General Assembly adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights – Article 19 of which declares that, “Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression.”

Today, we hear this right being insisted upon often. It is insisted upon by those wishing to spread misinformation and lies as much as by those wishing to oppose such lies.

Underlying this insistence is the assertion that the individual is paramount. “My rights,” we hear, “are inalienable, and shall not be impinged upon by society.”

The cult of the individual is very much a westernised one. Although, even in western cultures it may be only fairly recent. Alexis de Tocqueville, writing in 1856, said that individualism was “not a word used by our ancestors, for no one could rely solely on themselves to survive and prosper.”¹

More recently, individualism has grown another limb – that of Toxic Individualism. Having a belief in oneself, or a self-reliance, is one thing, but that sense of self becomes toxic individualism when an individual refuses to recognise or understand the impact one has on the lives of others and their community.

Right Speech

Several non-westernised cultures have a differing understanding of what it means to be an individual. The individual is not separate from, nor separate to, other people or nature. The Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, recognises that “I am, therefore you are. You are, therefore I am. We inter-are.”

This concept of inter-connection and non-separation is quite different to the westernised idea of the individual as standing apart.

The recognition of inter-connection has, as would be expected, a bearing upon speech. Less emphasis is given to Right of Speech and more given to Right Speech.

Right Speech is given prominence in the 8-fold path of the Buddha. Although often translated as right, the Pali word samma, could also be translated as best, wise, skillful. Indeed, such translations may be the better ones, as the word right has unfortunate associations with one side of the right-wrong dualism.

If we consider the concept of Wise Speech, Skillful Speech, or Best Speech, we begin to understand the impact our speech can have on those around us, and even upon ourselves.

When the Buddha introduced the 8-fold path, he also spoke of the connection between thoughts, words, deeds, and character. The following poem encapsulates the Buddha’s ideas, although the derivation of the poem is disputed:

“The thought manifests as the word;

The word manifests as the deed;

The deed develops into habit;

And the habit hardens into character;

So watch the thought and its ways with care;

And let it spring from love

Born out of concern for all beings.

As the shadow follows the body,

As we think, so we become.”²

When we speak our words have effects. (If they did not, why would we speak them?) Often we can see the effect our words have had, after we have spoken them. It is as though we watch the ripples flowing behind us in the wake of the ship we are steering. Once the wake has been made, we can no longer control the ripples. Yet, we also have the option to understand the ripples we make, before we make them. This is the bow-wave of our ship. The wake that precedes us. To be a-wake literally means to be so attuned to the wake we are creating that we fully understand its ripples.

The Right Speech of the 8-fold path is further enunciated and specifically advises avoiding, 1. lies, 2. divisive speech, 3. harsh speech, and 4. idle chatter.

What if we were to be mindful of Right Speech as we proclaim our Right of Speech? Would we see the divisiveness, the hatred, the bigotry, and the prejudices we see, and hear, today? Maybe, although I suspect there would be much less. And in that lessening, we might create a space for us to truly listen to one another. We might enter a deep listening, similar to that which Thich Nhat Hanh hopes for:

“Deep listening is the foundation of Right Speech. If we cannot listen mindfully, we cannot practice Right Speech. No matter what we say, it will not be mindful, because we’ll be speaking only our own ideas and not in response to the other person.”

Right Speech does not suggest that we give up our Right to Speech, only that we use it wisely.

Notes:

1. Alexis de Tocqueville, L'Ancien Régime et la Révolution (The Old Regime and the Revolution), 1856.

2. This poem has often been attributed to the Buddha, yet it does not appear in any of the early Buddhist texts. The origin remains uncertain, although many Buddhists would say that the sentiments are those of the Buddha, even if the Buddha did not say them. Other scholars suggest the poem may be of Christian origin from the 19^th century.

Existential Grief and Mourning (Part 2)

Last week’s blog discussed one of the stages of grief in relation to Existential Collapse. It was suggested that denial is the predominant stage for most of the citizens of, especially, western-styled nations. This week addresses two more stages – anger and bargaining – perhaps the two most common stages that we find activists (and others) in the climate change movement.

Anger

Anger is an on-the-top emotion. When we experience it, we know it – and usually, so do those around us. Anger is driven by, and protective of, the ego. Anger declares: I am threatened, or I have been harmed. Our ego wants to protect us from real and/or perceived threats. So, our ego looks for, and usually finds, an external source of the threat or pain.

Anger is also a cover-up emotion. It covers up deeper emotions. Beneath anger we often find other emotional states: betrayal, physical harm, abuse, and abandonment, are some possibilities. These hidden emotions vary from person to person, and from culture to culture. Anger, and our ego, is determined to shield us from these deeper emotions. With respect to Existential Collapse, beneath the anger may be the pain of a deep sense of impending loss. Loss is always difficult, and painful. Existential Collapse is the ultimate loss, and extremely painful. No wonder we want to shield ourselves from that.

Once a source of threat or pain is identified, the ego now has something, or someone, to blame. Presently, the various movements around the world find it easy to identify culprits: business leaders, trans-national companies, world leaders, the media, politicians. Once identified, it is easy to uncover further evidence for this analysis. Confirmation bias kicks in and we can find many articles with titles such as “Biggest 10 carbon emitters” almost every day.

Anger is a useful early response to Existential Collapse – it protects us. However, remaining within this stage is unhelpful, because we remain externally focussed. We can find more and more evidence that we are right, that someone or something else is to blame, and hence deserving of our anger.

When that happens, anger has become a blindfold, preventing us from seeing the bigger picture.

Bargaining

The other stage that many activists (and others) are caught in is that of bargaining. Bargaining allows us to hold onto hope, even though we are experiencing pain. Bargaining asks: If I (we) do this then can things get back to normal?

Bargaining in a time of Existential Collapse says: If we do this, and that, then collapse will not happen. Bargaining is a hopeful stage, it paints a rosy picture of the future, one in which everything will be okay.

Because this stage is hopeful of the future, it often is a solutions-generating stage. However, solutions posited in this stage tend to be of a reactive and grasping nature. Reacting to a simplistic analysis and grasping at quick (often technological) fixes. Such solutions arise from a mechanistic way of thinking.

The mechanistic, Cartesian, ways of thinking have been with us in the western world for some 400 years or so. Einstein, however, challenged this by telling us that:

“We cannot solve problems using the same thinking we used when we created them.”

Einstein was not simply suggesting thinking differently about problems, he was suggesting a completely different way of thinking.¹

Because we continue to think and generate solutions within a mechanistic mindset, the solutions generated in this bargaining stage, more often than not, also tend to exacerbate the very problem we are wanting to solve.

Bargaining keeps us locked into an historical trap. A trap that keeps us thinking we can be certain of being able to fix things. A trap within which we continue to believe we can be in control of the anthropocentric project of progress. That is techno-addiction.

The bargaining stage is useful to us, it means we can, at least, look forward to a possible future. However, as with anger, if we linger here too long, we do so at our peril.

Plus, we fail to see the underlying cause of the strife we are in and the damage we continue to inflict upon the earth.

Next week’s blog will explore the stages of Depression and Acceptance.

Note:

1. This blog further explores Einstein’s famous dictum about thinking.

Elder Water and Youthful Fire

Image: Rosewilliams at https://favpng.com/

I write this against the backdrop of the devastating bushfires in Australia.  In the state I live in (New South Wales) these fires began in September 2019, and are still raging.

Over one billion (yes, you read that correct – one billion) animals have been killed.  The fires have burnt through 11 million hectares.

Although there have been denialists, experts (ranging from Fire and Rescue Commissioners, to scientists, to foresters) all say that climate change is creating the conditions in which fire is more likely, more frequent, and more intense. 

Climate change is also making it less possible to prevent fires, and less possible to deal with them once ablaze.

Around the world there have been other major climatic events over the past year: second warmest year on record, near record Arctic sea-ice melt, second strongest Atlantic hurricane on record (Dorian), wettest year in US history leading to $15 billion worth of flood damage.

We are living in troubled times.

And many people are recognising that, not the least the youth of the world.  The Student Climate Strike of September 2019 saw over 4 million people take part, spread across 150 countries.

Young people are frustrated, young people are angry.  Young people are raising their voices.

How Does An Elder Act?

As a Baby Boomer (born in the 1950s) I ask myself: how should an elder act in these troubled times?
I have emphasised the word “elder” here, so as to distinguish from the question: how does an older person act?

The distinction is important, because an elder does not become an elder simply by surviving the ravages or comforts of time. 

Elder Water and Youthful Fire

Before returning to my question, a quick diversion.

A healthy human development journey could be characterised as moving through the four elements (Air, Fire, Earth, Water) of life.  Childhood is the time of Air: new breath, breeziness, wonder, imagination.  The teenage and young adult time is that of Fire: passion, energy, love, anger, strength, dynamism.  The years of Adulthood are the Earth years: stability, groundedness, fertility, security, prosperity.  Then the Elder can be represented by Water: cleansing, healing, fluid flow, purification, receptivity, unconditional love.¹

Back to my question: how should an elder act in these troubled times?²

I must admit to struggling to find an adequate answer, although the question itself is worth repeating over and over again.  Because it is not a question that often gets asked.

Even in the company of older people it is an uncomfortable question to raise.  There are so few true elders in western-styled culture that there are little or no examples to learn from, or to follow.  It is an uncomfortable question too, because it calls into question as to what has been done in our lives to warrant the role of elderhood?

Returning to the Water/Fire symbolism, I can suggest some answers about what an elder does not do.

Being Water, an elder does not use that water to douse the Fire of youth.  An elder does not dampen the spirits of young people.  An elder listens to the anger of young people with compassion.  An elder in troubled times (times in which young people are fearful for the future) does not tell young people to “shut up, go to school, get a job.”

Also, an Elder does not use the Fire of youth to boil the Water of old age.  To do so is a form of stealing from the young.  It is a form of saying “look at me, I’m just as mad as you.”  Hearing, and witnessing that, a young person has every right to turn around and say “OK Boomer!”

So, how does an elder act?  What does an elder do?  What does an elder say?  How does an elder be?

I’m grappling with answers to these questions, so if there are any thoughts from readers, then I would love to hear them.

The answers may lie in the qualities/traits of Water: cleansing, healing, fluid flow, purification, stability, strength, change, devotion, receptivity, impermanence, unconditional love.

Another blog beckons.

Notes:
1. The Four Element conception of the human development journey is my own, although highly influenced by eco-psychologist Bill Plotkin.  Along with Plotkin I suggest that a large percentage of individuals in western-styled societies and western culture itself are stuck in what Plotkin calls “patho-adolescence.”  Thus, very few arrive at the Waters of Elderhood.  See Bill Plotkin, Nature and the Human Soul, New World Library, California, 2008.
2.  “Elders in troubled times” is a reference to: Stephen Jenkinson, Come of Age: The Case for Elderhood in a Time of Trouble, North Atlantic Books, California, 2018.

Just Anger (Part 2 of 2)

The previous blogpost suggested that when anger arises inside us we are faced with two pathways. The first pathway leads in the direction of resentment, a desire for revenge, and possibly all the way to violence.  Standing at that junction this first pathway is highly visible.  It is well–trodden.  It is lit up with signs seducing you with promises of retribution, righteousness and winning.  It promises relief from the anger.  Yet, as we all know, such promises are illusory.

The second pathway, in contrast, is hard to see.  It is obscured, perhaps hidden by the bushes along the roadway.  Not many turn towards this pathway.  However, many of those that have are house-hold names, giants in the history of the world: Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, Rev Desmond Tutu, Emily Pankhurst, Te Whiti o Rongomai, Vaclav Havel, Rosa Parks, Thich Nhat Hanh.¹ 

Anger is often a secondary emotion, meaning that some other feeling or emotion has triggered the one of anger.  The first pathway is very easy to step onto when all we recognise is the emotion of anger.  However, if we are mindful and patient, we can realise that our anger is a signpost to something else within us.  If we allow our anger to dictate our actions then we will never discover the underlying emotions.  But, if we step back, perhaps take a few deep breaths and just witness our anger (not acting on it, nor trying to drive it away, or suppress it), then we may find that the underlying emotions are ones of hurt, pain, insecurity, dejection, revulsion, or (the biggie) fear. 

Uncovering and discovering these emotions that lie beneath our anger is how we do justice to our anger.  We treat anger as a friend, saying “thank you my friend anger; you have allowed me to discover my fears and pain.”

The next thing we notice on this pathway is that we are all the same.  Our anger hides pain, hurts and fears.  This is just as true for the person who we believe has angered us.  They too are likely to have acted out of a hurt or fear.  Their words or actions that angered us came from their hurt and fear.  When we start to understand our own suffering then we also start to understand the suffering of others.  With that clarity, compassion can arise.  Once compassion has entered our heart we are well on our way down the second pathway.

But, what about those situations we (as social justice activists) should be angry about?  Certainly, there are many injustices in the world and we get angry because of them.  When Khandro Rinpoche, a Tibetan Buddhist teacher, was asked this question, she replied “Anger is always a waste of time.”  Persisting, her questioner responded that there were some things we should be angry about.  Khandro Rinpoche immediately replied, “I didn’t tell you to give up your critical intelligence.  I told you anger is a waste of time.”²

Acting with compassion, and critical intelligence, is a very different venture to that of acting from anger.  Compassion and critical intelligence open up the space for creativity, honest dialogue and the chance of healing.

Pathway Tools

Along this second pathway there are many tools at our disposal.  Sadly, our cultures have very rarely used these tools and few of us get the opportunity to learn them.  Here, are some of the tools we can pick up on this pathway:

• Forgiveness:  The forgiveness cycle has been eloquently described in The Book of Forgiving, by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.³  They describe a fourfold journey of: telling the story, naming the hurt, granting forgiveness, renewing or releasing the relationship.  Forgiveness is not a condoning of the action, nor is it forgetting.  Forgiveness is not a weakness, nor is it easy, and it certainly does not undermine the concept of justice.  In most cases forgiveness is an action that frees the forgiver from the trap of pain, anguish, revenge, and anger.
• Nonviolent Communication (NVC):   Developed by Marshall Rosenberg at the time of racial tensions in the USA, NVC recognises that our emotions arise from our needs (or values).  If our needs are met, then we will experience “good” emotions, such as happiness, joy, excitement, peace.  However, if our needs are not met, then “bad” emotions such as despair, misery, distress, fear, or anger, will arise.  NVC provides tools for dealing with our emotions and needs and how we communicate these with others.
• Nonviolence:  As a means of dealing with social conflict, nonviolence has a long history and theory of practice.  Nonviolence has often been defined simply as non-harm.  However, it also recognises that conflict is natural in society and there are positive ways of dealing with that.  Nonviolence separates the issue from the person, recognising that our opponents have value and are worthy of respect and dignity.  Nonviolence often espouses a more holistic view of the world and one that is non-hierarchical.  It is often used as a socio-political means of confronting injustice.
• Mindfulness:  Mindfulness has already been alluded to – it is a practice of awareness.  Becoming mindful we become aware of each moment, we become aware of our bodily sensations, of emotions arising and passing away.  The practice of mindfulness means that we do not grasp and hold on to our thoughts and prejudices with desperation, nor are we repelled by them.  They simply are.  With mindfulness our attachment to ego begins to dissolve and we recognise our interconnections – what Thich Nhat Hanh calls interbeing.
• Non-attachment to Outcome:  Acting from anger we are often wanting an outcome.  We may desire revenge, retaliation, or perhaps just the self-satisfaction of winning a verbal battle.  However, one of the biggest realities that we must come to terms with is that there is no such thing as a surety of outcome.  We can no more control the future than we can control the spin of the Earth.  Understanding this we can approach our anger with compassion and wisdom.

A final word of caution.  Just because we decide to travel down this second path does not mean that the other(s) will join us on the journey.  Although we offer the hand of forgiveness, or the words of NVC, we may be responded to with anger.  Does this mean we should not turn down this path unless our opponent, enemy, or rival does so also?  No.  Vaclav Havel understood this when he noted that, “Hope, in the deep and meaningful sense … is an ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed.”

Anger.  An intense emotion.  With practice, we can work with it, instead of it working us over.

Notes:
1.  In previous blogposts I have written about Gandhi, Rev Desmond Tutu,Te Whiti o Rongomai, Vaclav Havel, Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela and Thich Nhat Hanh.
2. This story is related by Rita Gross in Melvin McLeod (ed) Mindful Politics, Wisdom Publications, Boston, 2006.

3.  See my review of The Book of Forgiving  here.

Just Anger (Part 1 of 2)

Is anger ever justified?  Some suggest the notion of a Just War – does that mean there can be a Just Anger?  Working in the area of social justice we can be confronted with ideas, articles, speeches, or everyday conversation that causes our anger to rise.  If the offending speech was given by a public figure we can often react with outrage, condemning the speaker by suggesting that they are idiots, bigots, or inhumane.  We might label them racists, misogynists, war-mongers, or a number of other epithets.

In doing so, has our anger been justified?  When our anger lapses into such verbal abuse, or worse, into violence, then it is not justified.  Nor, paradoxically, have we done justice to our anger. 

When anger arises it opens up for us two possibilities, two pathways that we can take.  One pathway is the pathway just described: it includes verbal name-calling, abuse, labelling, right through to violence.  The other pathway is one where our anger is a pointer towards something deeper inside us.

Taking the First Path

Too often, in our culture, the first pathway is chosen.  This is unsurprising as it is the path that many before us have chosen.  It is the path that our “leaders” take time and time again.  We hear it in our parliaments and debating chambers: name-calling, verbal abuse, confrontation and adversarial debate.  We see it on the battlefields of the world.  Our televisions beam it into our living rooms daily.  Newspaper headlines scream it out in bold print.

Not only do we see and hear this pathway being taken, we are not taught an alternative.  If we are taught anything about dealing with anger it is to tell us to suppress it, deny it, or perhaps to vent it by beating a cushion or yelling and screaming in the middle of a forest.

Choosing this first pathway becomes habitual.  Every time we arrive at that junction we take this path, without even seeing that there is another option.  Blissfully unaware we follow this path of rising venom, abuse, or violence.  We continue down this path thinking that the person we feel anger towards “owes me.”  With our anger so justified, we think that we have a duty to teach the other person a lesson.  “I’ll show them” we say to ourselves.  This path holds out the hope that we’ll feel better if we react against our “opponent.”  By venting against our “enemy” we are appeased, we think we are justified because we are doing so from a higher, or superior, understanding or moral standpoint.

But, where has this pathway truly taken us?  We have taken our “opponent or enemy” with us down the same path.  But, we have not arrived at a peaceful, harmonious, or even mutually agreeable place.  More often than not we have arrived at a point where our “enemy” is now more entrenched than before, likely to more forcefully espouse the ideas they stated earlier.  And us?  Our “enemy” has not become contrite and has not shown a new understanding that accords with our own, so we attack them again, perhaps more vehemently than before.  And then what?  The cycle begins again.

And what a cycle it is.  It goes round and round, gaining strength and power with every revolution.  It becomes so entrenched that there appears to be no way to break out of it.  All we can do is forlornly hope that the other person or group will eventually give in, give up, withdraw, or get beaten into submission.  Any such outcome is unlikely to be lasting.  The seeds of resentment, frustration, and anger will simmer below the surface and erupt somewhere else or sometime later.  It is a false accord. 

We could, however, take the second path that lies before us.  Before exploring that pathway, a brief diversion into a discussion about the nature of anger.

Just what is Anger?

Anger is one of those emotions that is a combination of feelings and thoughts.  We all know the feelings associated with anger: tightness in our hands (clenched fists), gritting of the teeth, a quickening of the heart, a general tenseness in many of our muscles.  There is an intensity about anger that is unlike most of the other human emotions.
 
Our anger is fuelled also by our thoughts.  Anger can arise in us because we think we are right, because we think our way, or our understanding of the world is the correct one, the acceptable one, the just one.  We think that our morality is superior or more humane than that of others.  Anger is often coloured by our judgements – our thoughts about what others think and feel.

It is the thoughts within anger that give us the opportunity to understand our anger and respond in ways that do not follow the first path of increasing vehemence, resentment and violence.  We gain the possibility of clarity.  It seems strange to use a word like clarity when speaking of anger.  Anger is often metaphorically associated with murkiness and unfathomable depths.  Yet, by looking to anger as a signpost to something deeper within us then clarity is what emerges.


Part 2 will explore the second pathway and look further at how we can gain clarity from understanding our anger.