When we consider the many interlocking, and mutually
reinforcing, ills of the world today, they can all be traced back to three
basic disconnections: disconnection from nature, disconnection from each other,
and disconnection from our own selves.
Our willingness, often eagerness, to point the finger
of blame is one of the most perfidious behaviours that reinforces the
disconnection from each other.1
The blame game sets up, and maintains, an us/them
separation. The dualism of this results in further dualisms of right/wrong,
good/evil, and superior/inferior. Blaming says ‘I am right, you are wrong,’ and
that no further discussion can be entered into – the judgment has already been
formed and delivered.
We may not realise that in pointing the finger, not
only does this help disconnect us from others; it also serves to disconnect us
from our very selves.
Without realising it, blaming others is often based in
fear. Fear, in turn, drives three possible responses – fight, flight, or
freeze. Pointing the finger is a fight response. It increases adrenalin in our
body, priming us to prepare to fight (even if fight may solely be a war
of words.) Physical or verbal, this fight disturbs our emotional state, and
our sympathetic nervous system takes over. Of course, this response can be
useful, but not if it remains on high alert.
The negative mental state that this fosters can lead
to heart problems.
Once we enter the blame game it is very easy to
get hooked when others are playing the same game. When other players point
their finger at us, our response can easily be to return the gesture. Blame
stimulates and encourages blame. Blame does not eliminate our fight response;
it keeps us ready to fight.
When the act of blaming becomes habitual (as it can)
the negative effects of continued heightening of the sympathetic nervous system
become chronic. Heart problems are the symptom.
An Antidote – Listening
How can we relieve ourselves of this state? One of the
antidotes to blaming is listening. Not the sort of listening which is simply a
vehicle for finding a space in which to voice our own opinions, thoughts, or
retorts however.
What is required is creative (sometimes called active)
listening. This sort of listening involves various techniques and behaviours
that can be learnt. Examples of some of these techniques are as follows:2
Reflecting: A speaker may use a word
or a phrase at the end of a thought.
Reflecting that word or phrase back encourages the speaker to continue
or to expand on the thought. Reflecting
also helps the speaker to realise that they have been accurately listened to.
Paraphrasing:
Closely related to reflecting, paraphrasing is
summarising in the listeners words what it is that they have understood the
speaker to have said. This enables the
speaker to know that they have been accurately heard and to correct any
misapprehension that the listener may have.
Non-verbal
Actions: It
is important to realise that communication involves so much more than the words
being spoken (or heard). For the
listener this means using non-verbal actions that show an interest in what the
speaker is saying. A simple smile, a nod
of the head or eye contact help to convey such attention. A word of caution however; in some cultures
eye contact can be interpreted as a sign of rudeness, so be warned.
Clarification: Questions of a clarifying
nature can be useful to help a speaker know that they have been listened to and
to more fully explore what it is they wish to convey.
Positive
Reinforcement: Words such as “go on,” “tell me more,” can be
encouraging but should be used sparingly so as not to become distracting. Words that imply agreement (e.g. “yes,” “very
good,” or “indeed”) can become annoying and it is usually better to wait until
a time when it is appropriate to indicate agreement on behalf of the listener.
When listening in this way is practiced it becomes
very difficult, nigh on impossible, to judge and blame another person.
Furthermore, creative listening allows our
parasympathetic nervous system to settle us. The parasympathetic nervous system
is the system that restores us to a state of calm and maintains that state. Ultimately,
this eases the stress on our body, especially our heart. It’s got to be good
for us!
In conclusion then: Less pointing and more listening
can help overcome our disconnection from others, and from our own selves.
Notes:
1. In my life I have struggled frequently to remove myself
from the blame game. Hence, I know how hard it can be to do so.
2. When first learning these techniques they can feel
mechanical, contrived, or clinical. However, with practise and continual use,
they eventually become natural and simply part of our listening style.
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